An anonymous commenter has brought me back to this post I had mostly forgotten about from nearly a year ago. She told me that she envied me and my relationship with the teenager. It prompted me to re-read the post to see where my head was at that time. As I read through my thoughts on becoming a full-time parent a year ago I started thinking about what has changed and what is still the same.
What has changed... my husband has taken a job that keeps him traveling about 75% of the time making me essentially a single mom for that same amount of time. This has been the hardest change for me because I wasn't prepared to have a kid whose well-being is my sole responsibility much of the time. I worry about her all the time and the decisions that I make each and every day. I can say the added stress of this responsibility has caused many an argument with the hubby because sometimes I feel overwhelmed by it all. My biggest fear around this is that the teenager will think it's her fault and it's really not. It's me and my stupid anxiety and coping issues.
The teenager no longer confides in me quite as much as she used to which probably means that she thinks of me more like a parent than a friend. It makes me sad because sometimes we had conversations about her life that amazed me. However feeling more like a parent is ok with me too.
To make things even more interesting, the teenager's older sister moved in early this year (from here on to be known as the college student). Keep in mind that this is not the hubby's child by blood but he did raise her from about the age of 5 on but he loves her as if she were his own. this was a weird situation for me at first but I now find it to be a blessing. The college student is another very good kid (I use that term loosely because she is 22) and helps lots with the teenager by driving her places and generally being a good example to follow. This alone has relieved some of my anxiety about doing this alone during the week. I don't know if I could cope without her help.
What is the same... I still believe that this is the hardest thing I will ever do in my life. I'm still terrified that I'm going to somehow screw her up and we will all be on Dr. Phil someday hashing out what I did wrong.
She's still a good kid though and I feel lucky to have her in my life daily. I like to think that I also give her good yet different examples to follow on how to be a woman. While her mom was the quintessential mom who loved having her kids as the center of her existance, I am the woman who was determined to make it in the world of business and became independent and strong. I hope that we both help make her a well-rounded woman who is a good wife and mother when she has a family but is perfectly capable of being ok without a man until she finds that one right guy for her.
All in all, I think that this has been a really good for me since I chose to not have children of my own. I feel like I'm at not completly missing out on the experience of motherhood. I still occasionally feel like I've missed something by not having a little one running around the house but mostly I think it was the right decision for me at this juncture of my life. I don't want to give up my freedom now for a baby. I feel very selfish that way now that I'm 40-something. The thought of having a kid in college when I'm 60 scares the crap out of me too. However, having a kid in the house who can mostly take care of herself and will be out of college before I hit 50 is ok.
My conclusions about being a parent? I think I will live through it and be a better person for it in the end.
1 comment:
I think it's always important to remember that being a parent is freakin hard:) It's also equally important to remember that a parent is someone who raises/cares for/corrects/punishes/hugs/is there for a child. Whether they share blood or not is inconsequential. It's the connection that's important and I'd say from everything I've read up to this point, you're doing great:)
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