If anyone is still following here, you may have notice my change in title from Ramblings of a Hunter's Wife to the new title of Just Me. Just me is very appropriate now because I find myself faced with a change that I didn't ask for nor did I want but it leaves me with the "just me" status again (or it will as soon as the courts decide we are no longer a "we" anymore). I don't think anyone goes into a marriage thinking that it will end but I have no personal experience with divorce. Everyone in my family stays together through good times and bad. This is how I was raised and this is how I intended for my marriage to go.
I'm running through so many conflicting emotions these days. Starting with terrible sadness and depression over losing what I thought would be forever. We were still making plans for the future as late as the holidays last year and the revelation that he was no longer interested in trying to make this marriage work was a huge surprise and a blow that I cannot begin to describe. Maybe if I had been unhappy too this wouldn't be quite so hard...
Then there is some relief. There is a part of me that knows that I will eventually be better off without him. The part that knows that I was sorely underappreciated and also the part of me that realizes that there are men out there who actually want to be with me and interested in what I have to say. It's been a very long time since I have felt like I'm important too. There is also a little bit of excitement as well because I will be finally moving back into town where I have wanted to be for a very long time. I am moving into a brand new townhome that is being built as I write this. Ok... well maybe not right now considering it is 11pm... the workers have probably gone home by now. :)
I am completely terrified about the future. There is so much unknown for me. How do I realistically trust someone now. Only a few short months ago I had no clue that I was about to be going through a divorce. Dating in general terrifies me... All of the wondering what is going through someone's brain. People tell me to not think about that but this is who I am. I can't change that about me... I am certain I will still over-analyze every person who is interested in me... This is me for better or worse. I think most of the time it is worse but again it is who I am.
For now I'm just trying hard to not feel like I've completely lost control of my life. Wish me luck because I really need it right now.
