Sometimes I think I've been put in the hardest situation in my life. I was talking to the teenager tonight and the subject of Christmas plans came up. I mentioned that we might travel out to San Francisco to visit my brother and his massive in-law celebration. The teenager was pumped to go even though she knows almost no one there other than my brother and sister-in-law.
Then the subject of Christmas at my husband's family came up and it all went downhill from there. The teenager poured out her soul to me. She said that she feels like no one there really likes her there. I have observed what she is talking about. Everyone thinks that the hubby's older and younger brother's kids are perfect and can do no wrong. Our teenager is criticized for sleeping late, texting too much, and being bored all the time. Pretty much she is a normal teenager and she is being beaten up for it.
This evening was heart wrenching for me. She cried to me about how certain family members treat her like she is a bad kid and I don't know what to tell her other than they have their own personal issues and she shouldn't take it personally. But I feel like such a liar! I've witnessed the way some in that family treat her differently.
I've been treated less than well by them too and one Christmas, I refused to participate in part of it with his family because we were told that we weren't welcome to stay at one of the relative's house. That one is a long story that I did chronicle here at one time. It was one of my first posts to this blog. I chose to take it down so that no one in his family would hold it against me at a later time. But the reality is this is all based on the same issue. My hubby didn't always make the best decisions in his lifetime and his family while on the surface accepts him, thinks we are not quite as Godly or quite as good people as the rest of them. I see it from some of them every time we all get together.
So how do I comfort this girl who feels like she doesn't belong when it's her own family who makes her feel this way. She tells me it hurts when they talk bad about her mom and her middle sister. These people can be merciless when it comes to that topic. How do I tell her that she needs to spend time with these people when I know exactly how she feels when she says she doesn't want to go?
I sit here filled will extreme emotion because I can't fix it and the hubby still loves his family. I feel stuck in the middle trying to comfort a girl that has done nothing to deserve this. I really don't know what to do.
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Wow... that is a tough one... I'm not sure how I would handle that either. You could rotate holidays so you both only have to bear it every other year. Doesn't really change the fact that they do this to y'all though.
1st question is, does your husband see them treating her this way? I know when I get around my family, I turn back into the little brother/youngest son rather than husband and father. I've had a tendency in the past to fall into the role of letting me be run over by the stronger personalities and not seen a lot of their stupid narrowmindedness until it's brought to my attention.
I'd talk to the hubby and not only let him know if he doesn't realize the extent as well as making him aware and have him come to her rescue or at least stand up for and defend her. You can't really say much because you're an outsider - I know you married him, but it sounds like they'd alienate mother theresa.
2ndly, you can let her know you understand, and even agree with her and that she can hang out with you if she needs to. And tell her that texting during family events is a no-no :) That alone will probably help a lot.
I'm on the other side somewhat not because everyone is convinced my kids are the good kids in the family, but truthfully with all modesty aside - they ARE the good kids :) I feel bad at times, but things are the way they are.
Good luck, we all have to navigate this bullshit.
Trix - the hubby understandably wants his family together at Christmas so the every other year thing isn't going to happen. His dad is pretty old too so I would hate to miss out on the holidays.
M@ - the hubby does know and we have discussed it. He thinks that she needs to just ignore the rude comments. He is often out hunting when some of this stuff occurs so it's up to me to defend her. I don't mind doing that at all but it doesn't change the fact that she feels like she will never be good enough for them. Nothing I do can change the hurt she feels.
Oh and I think the texting (which is not that bad in the first place) is one of the few ways she gets through it. Oh and her cousins are texting their friends as well so I wouldn't want to tell her that she can't and further make her feel singled out! I just think it's a mess.
I'm so sorry, that is a mess. I feel so bad for her, because she is such a good kid. I think your support is so important for her. Is there no way hubby can talk to the relatives and ask them to lay off of her?
Carol - maybe the best thing you can do is stick by her side as much as possible. And, if it was me (and I know you aren't as loud and bitchy as me), I would defend her when necessary. It will build your relationship with her, give her confidence in the adults in her life, and RIGHT INJUSTICE! :)
Crappy family helps you spot crappy people later in life when you can choose who you're around.
In the meantime, it'll make for good stories one day.
Oh, and I say confirm what she is feeling is valid but to learn to be tolerant of morons. You can't change them and you don't want to create more stress by getting them all defensive and guilty and angry. Don't make morons angry!!
She should just be polite about it and know she's OK.
I was searching for "Hunter's Widow" things to keep my interest when I happened upon your blog & remembered I had an account too.
As for your situation with your daughter & the in-laws, the best I can offer is to encourage her to be the example....REGARDLESS OF HOW CRAPPY THEY BEHAVE. I REALIZE this is freakin VERY HARD to do. However, it may be through the unconditional love you both display at your in-laws house that eventually helps them out of their dysfunction.
And...I will tell you...IT'S MUCH EASIER WHEN YOU DO THIS IN GOD'S STRENGTH & NOT YOUR OWN...lol.
It's funny I should run across your blog, cause I usually check Joyce Meyers for my daily devotional/shot, and this is what was posted this am:
"Cease from anger and forsake wrath; fret not yourself—it tends only to evildoing.
—Psalm 37:8"
"The Word tells us another way to resist temptation: “When angry, do not sin; do not ever let your wrath (your exasperation, your fury or indignation) last until the sun goes down. Leave no [such] room or foothold for the devil [give no opportunity to him]” (Ephesians 4:26–27).
Paul said that we should forgive people to keep Satan from gaining an advantage over us (See 2 Corinthians 2:10–11). If someone offends you, get over it quickly so you won’t leave open a door for the devil. It is a sin to hold anger and bitterness, so never go to sleep mad. If you forgive everyone before you fall asleep, freedom from wrong attitudes in your heart will help you start your day right the next morning."
The KEY POINT is to not allow others hurtful remarks and treatment of you to change your happiness. Again, I've found that the easiest way to do this is to PRAY for God's strength and also His view of them.
A lot of times people act like this because they are not happy with themselves and therefore find fault in others. Maybe help her to see that they are hurting, and that is the cause of their behavior. Remember, resentment also comes from being hurt, hence resentful & mean people are the result of people that were hurt themselves.
ok...I'll quit taking up so much space on your blog.
Praying for the best in your situation.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!
Oh sigh...
What to do, what to do...
In the beginning of our marriage, my husband would refer to his sister's kids. He would say "Nancy's kids this, Nancy's kids that". Even though her kids were wonderful and I adore them, I had to remind even my husband that our kids were NOT Nancy's kids and that he should not compare them to hers.
My daughter Rachael is sometimes perceived to be rough. Let me tell you, she has the heart of gold.
I probably would just tell your daughter that yes, sometimes people suck. Sometimes people feel so insecure about theirselve that they try to point out a weakness in others. You can't change them your husband's family, trust me I know.. I married into the "Kennedy's" who seem to do everything perfect. But over the years, my husband's family, like the Kennedy's have had their share of disapointing others and it all comes out in the wash.
Honest blog, I like it!!!
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